LabKitty Reads: The Hobbit

LabKitty reads... is a recurring feature in which I recap and pass verdict on selected works of Nerd Literature, the sort of books with which you need at least a passing familiarity if you're going to Comic-Con or ARVO. In our first installment, I tackle the beloved DnD classic, The Hobbit.

Before The Lord of the Rings there was The Hobbit, both in our world (Tolkien wrote it before Rings) and in Middle Earth (events in Hobbit transpire prior to those in Rings). The Hobbit is a light read, and if you've already read or watched the trilogy it's fun to see events here that will have major consequences down the road.

The Hobbit: or, There and Back Againby J.R.R. Tolkien,

Here is my review.

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Plot Summary
Spoilers are what Bilbo Baggins hates!

Meet Bilbo Baggins, eponymous Hobbit who wants to be left alone, but is put upon by a beard of dwarfs that appear at his home in the Shire one morning to press him into their quest. They seek to retrieve treasure stolen from them years ago by the swift and terrible dragon Smaug, which he now guards in his dragony lair deep within Lonely Mountain (Hobbits apparently make good burglars, as they are particularly skilled at not being seen, much like the dinosaurs from Dilbert). Anyway, Bilbo says no, Gandalf (Wizard) appears and makes vague threats, Bilbo says yes, and off they go.

After some requisite tavern bonding, our band is snatched by a murder of goblins and dragged beneath the Misty Mountains. Bilbo wriggles free and finds himself alone deep within a dank subterranean enclave. Or almost alone, as therein dwells an odd fellow with tapetums and a speech impediment who has spent lo these many years obsessing over an old ring which he calls his Precious. The fellow's name is Gollum and, alas (there is always an alas), Gollum has recently lost his ring somewhere in the twisty little passages, all alike. Hey, looky here, Bilbo finds the ring. Gollum wants it back. Bilbo and Gollum play a game of riddles and vague threats. Bilbo wins on a loophole (the best kind of hole), manages to escape, and hook-up with the dwarfs, who have also found their way back to the surface.

Our gang makes for Mirkwood forest with haste, knowing the goblins will be after them once the sun goes down. Unfortunately, Mirkwood forest is about as OSHA-compliant as the goblin cave, and Bilbo and the dwarfs are soon cornered by wolves (or wargs if you want to be a pain about it). They climb trees to safety (hooray!) but then the goblins show up and set the woods on fire (boo!). This gets the attention of the Eagles, mortal enemies of the goblins dontcha know, who zoom in and whisk everyone from the treetops to safety. After a night in the eyrie, the Eagles fly everyone to the Great Hall of Beorn. It's unclear if Beorn is a good guy or a bad guy - he's written as sort of a cross between Paul Bunyan and a werewolf with pedobear vibes. Anyhoo, Gandalf smooths things over, and our heroes get some well-deserved R&R.

Tan, rested, and ready, Bilbo and the dwarfs head off from Beorn's place into Mirkwood forest, warned not to stray from the road, and immediately stray from the road. They get webbed up by a bunch of giant spiders. All except Bilbo, because Bilbo has found that when he wears his-nee-Gollum's ring he is -- wait for it -- invisible! This allows him get the dwarfs back from the spiders, who are almost immediately captured by soldiers of the local Elf King. In contrast to the touchy-feely elves in LOtR, the Hobbit elves have a mean streak and are not at all above sticking you with their impeccably-crafted elf-swords and leaving you face down in a ditch.

Anyhoo, they all get carted off to the castle. Except for Bilbo, who sneaks in behind them. He begins planning their escape, all the while wearing the ring so as to remain unseen by the palace guards. The astute reader may pause at this point and speculate as to the potential alarm-clock effect of Bilbo's months-long wearing of the one-ring on Sauron, who at this time is snoozing in nearby Mordor (thanks, Bilbo!). But that is a tale for another time.

The escape plan unfolds as follows: the castle folks throw empty barrels into the river to float downstream to the local lake town of Lake Town where they get refilled with apples and cholera and whatnot and then shipped back. By hiding in the barrels, Bilbo and the dwarfs will escape by floating down the river. You might suspect if MythBusters tried this, you'd get a bunch of dead wet dwarfs. But things being what they are, the plan works and they escape.

The townsfolk of Lake Town don't much care for uninvited barrel dwarfs, but after much shouting the dwarfs smooth things over. There follows a lot of feasting and wenching. Finally, our guys head off to Lonely Mountain to confront Smaug.

There's machinations about a secret entrance to Smaug's lair that can only be described as Tolkien-like. Long story short: Bilbo and a few dwarfs make it to the treasure. Bilbo and Smaug play a game of riddles and vague threats. Being invisible, Bilbo's primary concern is to not give away his identity because, temperamental beast that he is, Smaug will fly off to Hobbitland and kick the crap out of the Shire. This predictably enrages Smaug, who decides to pick someone at random to go kick the crap out of. That someone turns out to be Lake Town.

Smaug shows up and rains death and destruction down upon the good citizens of Lake Town, who not long ago were probably saying things like "weren't those dwarfs a nice bunch of lads" and "we should have them over again sometime." There's a pitched fight, and Lake Town is well behind by halftime. Alas, there is the proverbial chink in Smaug's armor, and in a stunning come-from-behind victory, Bard -- a local hero with thick wavy hair, a cute buttony nose, and taut buttocks -- puts an arrow in it. Viola! Dead dragon. And a burned-down town. And a bunch of charred towny corpses floating in the lake (thanks, Bilbo!). But these are small details.

Smaug's death creates a power vacuum, so all the local kings make a grab for the ex-dragon's mountain fortress. Lebensraum, demure the kings. But if Smaug's pad comes loaded with treasure amassed over the last few centuries, they're willing to bear that burden. So the elf army comes and the dwarf army comes and the lake army comes and the goblins come and the eagles show up and there's a huge battle which goes on for surprisingly few pages, all things considered. Then Gandalf makes another of his patented inexplicable sudden appearances and teaches the kids to share. Everyone gets the part of the treasure they deserve. Peace on Earth was all it said. Bilbo gets hit by a rock.

And then: walk, walk, walk, elf song, elf song, elf song, and Bob's your uncle we're home.

There and back again, all in about 250 pages.

VERDICT

It was either Triumph the Insult Comic Dog or my thesis advisor who said: "I kid because I love." And for all the fun we've poked, I really do love The Hobbit. The Rings trilogy is arguably the gold standard of the fantasy genre, but I prefer Hobbit to Rings. It's the perfect rainy day / long weekend book that you can re-read again and again. And it feels like you're back from vacation every time you finish. I'll wager more than a few people have looked up Rings in a bookstore and only to discover IT'S 1500 GORRAM PAGES (and there's another thousand pages of supplementary material. And maps. And a glossary. And two exams and a term project).

Summary: Hobbit = fun. Rings = chore. If doing something recreational requires taking a month off from work, I prefer it involve whiskey and hookers.

Grade: A

Image Credits: Image of Hobbit book cover drawn by J.R.R. Tolkien and used as the dust jacket for the 1937 Allen & Unwin hardback edition appears under fair use according to United States copyright law as it is used to illustrate an article discussing the book in question. All other weirdness (c) 2014, LabKitty Design.